(no subject)

[kuriboh]

I've had my dad on my mind all day. Literally. I can't stop thinking about him or how much I miss him, despite having seen him less than a week ago. Even as I was on my way home from work, I heavily debated whether or not I should get on the bus going west so I could go to see him. I came home in the end, but I was crying most of the way.

But I'd never tell him that.

I'm still crying now, but my music is turned up *hopefully* loud enough to drown it out. Again, I'd never tell him despite him being on MSN right now.

Dad, I know you don't read this, but I love you and I miss you.

I can't wait for September. Then I can quit work and never ever have to go back. Those fucking bitches I have to work with are killing me from the inside out. I don't even like the work itself enough to stick around. They think I'm going to keep working after school starts, but I'm taking three maths for fucks sake, not  to mention the english course. I told them when I started "If it comes to a contest between work and school, this place doesn't stand a fucking chance." School has its own set of problems, and if I'm going to deal with lonely women trying to feel like big girls, there are enough of them at school who are actually young enough to get away with it without seeming like a pathetic bitch.

Again, I know you cuntwaffles don't read this (and if you did, I'd leave the fucking internet forever,) but I hope you all go play in traffic or die in a fucking fire....except Vinna and Estrella because their impassivity is a godsend.

I know mum means well, she really does, but I feel so smothered by her sometimes. The last thing I want to do is to disappoint her or make her sad or worried - she gets enough of that shit from my sister. Hell, I don't even want to bother her most days because I feel like a god damned third wheel on her life. She walked in on me a second ago, and seeing her reaction to seeing me like this just broke my heart even more. It's reasons like that I bottle so much shit up.

Mum, I know you don't read this despite my having given you the link a long time ago, but I love you too, and I make just as many sacrifices for you as you do for me. I hope you figure that out soon and appreciate it as much as I appreciate what you do for me.

I think, for the first time in my life, I want to play in traffic.

And for my final angst of the evening, now that I have some booze in my tummy and feel a bit better....actually, the booze relates to this almost perfectly. Wednesday night, I got drunk. Pleasantly so. I wasn't plastered or shitfaced (Trev and Dave were tho lol), but....silly. Happy. That's the keyword there, happy.  Not happy that I was drunk (though I was amused,) but happy because I was drunk with four of the people I love the most in this world.  At the end of the month, two of them are leaving; Dave and Fi. Incidentally,  they're going to more or less the same place. I can't help but think about how happy I was on Wednesday and Thursday, but then I think about how fucking miserable I'm going to be without two of my best friends. Again, had I taken the bus west, I would have ended up near one of their houses. I cried for that, too.  I want to be in grade 7 again.

Only one of you reads this. I drink to all of you. for your health, your wealth, and your happiness, which is certainly more bountiful than mine. Shuu, I think I'm going to miss you more than I've missed anything in my life. I know you won't be far, and I know the internet is a small world, but for 7 years now, you've been a constant sight in my life, as attached to my hip as I was to yours. I'm going to be a little bit lost without my siamese-twin-at-heart.